It’s been months since I’ve written on this site, and when I read back over where I was in March and April, I am ashamed of where I am this Christmas Eve of 2010. I lost the footing I had gained in the spring and have spiraled out of control since then. Instead of continuing on the path to let go of the world, and the things of it, I have run back to them as if they could fix all the problems of my life, totally ignoring the One who says “Come to me al ye who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I’ve preferred to carry my cross all by myself and to be a martyr, have a pity party, and allow contention and strife to rule me for the past six months. I did the very thing that I counsel others not to do, I RAN FROM GOD! He made me mad and rather than telling Him that and getting beyond it, I have run from Him and His comfort like it was the plague.

What caused this change of direction for me, you may ask? Well, on May 28, 2010, God took my mom home to be with Him. Should have been a wonderful thing, right? An amazing woman of God, going home to meet her Maker, and be reunited with the one man on earth who she ever loved - sounds like a time for rejoicing. But, I couldn’t rejoice. I wanted to, and I tried to, but my anger at those who I felt caused her death consumed me and made me unable to feel anything except remorse, anger, and despair. Once again, I was trying to be in control and trying to assume that because I didn’t do something, my mom died. I was trying to play God yet again instead of allowing Him to be whom He is and should be in my life. I wanted to own what had happened to her and didn’t want to hear His voice of comfort telling me that she was where she needed to be and I was gong to be fine. I forgot the verse that tell us “My grace is sufficient for your, for power is perfected in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9b. While Paul’s affliction was the thorn in his side, mine is the need to control and contrive situations to work how I want them, not always how God intended them.

So, here I am on Christmas Eve facing a choice. I can hold on to this anger and continue to own this sorrow like no one else has ever felt it but me, or I can let go of it and begin anew to find God in the everyday moments of my life. I don’t have the energy to be mad anymore and I don’t have the desire to seek revenge. All I want is “… the peace that passes all understanding” and to have that, I have to let go. God IS in control and I am tired of trying to steer this life without Him.

Father, forgive me. I have tried to be God of my life for months now, and it just isn’t working. I give my life this day back to the babe who was born in the manger so many years ago but who still lives and reigns at Your right hand. Help me I pray to find you in the everyday, to seek you in the wonder of the world around me and to choose You above all else in my life. You are my God and my King. My Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace of my life and of the world. I worship you today as the babe you were and the King you are. Amen