New Year's Challenge

I have been doing a study with Dr. Rick Warren that has really had me thinking this week about the whole issue of letting go. A few days ago the topic was on idols – those things in our lives that we allow to replace God or that we put before God. I hadn’t really thought about the possibility that I have idols until that devotional. To quote Dr. Warren “Now, listen carefully, when something crowds God out of my heart, you know what it's called? It's called an idol. An idol is anything that takes the place of God in my heart. And the Bible says there should be no idols in our hearts.” After reading this, I realized that my family, especially my boys, is my idol. I put their wants and needs before God and what He would have me do. And, I know that I can no longer do that. If I truly am going to learn to let go of the encumbrances of my life that has to include all the things that keep me from being who I should be in God and my family is that thing. While I may not be ready to leave them in the service of God, I can allow them to make their own mistakes, fix their own problems and live their own lives while I do the same. If I had given to God all I’ve given to them there is no telling whom I could have reached or how I might have been used. Just another area where I am learning to let go.

Jesus tells us in Luke 18 of the rich young ruler who asked him “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” v. 18. The young ruler didn’t like Jesus’ answer for after telling the ruler to keep his commandments Jesus then went one step further and said “One thing you still lack; sell all that you possess and distribute it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” v. 22. Of course the young ruler wasn’t prepared for this answer and he “became very sad” v. 23 because as a rich man with lots of possession and a family he loved, this was more than he was willing to give. And, I realize that it is more than I am willing to give as well. But, if I truly am going to let go and simplify my life to the things that really matter, isn’t that the point? There is of course the issue of the family I have, the husband I submit to, and the world in which I live. So, this will be the challenge for me, to truly give up what is mine, and to be willing to live for God no matter what those around me say.

I know that the expectation of the Savior is that I be willing to sacrifice everything I have and am to follow him. I know I’m not there yet, but I know that I want to be. This journey will be about what happens to me and to the relationships in my life as I truly become the child of God I am designed to become. I want to find out if I can live the commandment from Jesus to “take up your cross and follow me.” I’ve wasted enough time wallowing in self-pity, regret and remorse. It is time to move forward and find my place wherever that may be.

It’s been months since I’ve written on this site, and when I read back over where I was in March and April, I am ashamed of where I am this Christmas Eve of 2010. I lost the footing I had gained in the spring and have spiraled out of control since then. Instead of continuing on the path to let go of the world, and the things of it, I have run back to them as if they could fix all the problems of my life, totally ignoring the One who says “Come to me al ye who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I’ve preferred to carry my cross all by myself and to be a martyr, have a pity party, and allow contention and strife to rule me for the past six months. I did the very thing that I counsel others not to do, I RAN FROM GOD! He made me mad and rather than telling Him that and getting beyond it, I have run from Him and His comfort like it was the plague.

What caused this change of direction for me, you may ask? Well, on May 28, 2010, God took my mom home to be with Him. Should have been a wonderful thing, right? An amazing woman of God, going home to meet her Maker, and be reunited with the one man on earth who she ever loved - sounds like a time for rejoicing. But, I couldn’t rejoice. I wanted to, and I tried to, but my anger at those who I felt caused her death consumed me and made me unable to feel anything except remorse, anger, and despair. Once again, I was trying to be in control and trying to assume that because I didn’t do something, my mom died. I was trying to play God yet again instead of allowing Him to be whom He is and should be in my life. I wanted to own what had happened to her and didn’t want to hear His voice of comfort telling me that she was where she needed to be and I was gong to be fine. I forgot the verse that tell us “My grace is sufficient for your, for power is perfected in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9b. While Paul’s affliction was the thorn in his side, mine is the need to control and contrive situations to work how I want them, not always how God intended them.

So, here I am on Christmas Eve facing a choice. I can hold on to this anger and continue to own this sorrow like no one else has ever felt it but me, or I can let go of it and begin anew to find God in the everyday moments of my life. I don’t have the energy to be mad anymore and I don’t have the desire to seek revenge. All I want is “… the peace that passes all understanding” and to have that, I have to let go. God IS in control and I am tired of trying to steer this life without Him.

Father, forgive me. I have tried to be God of my life for months now, and it just isn’t working. I give my life this day back to the babe who was born in the manger so many years ago but who still lives and reigns at Your right hand. Help me I pray to find you in the everyday, to seek you in the wonder of the world around me and to choose You above all else in my life. You are my God and my King. My Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace of my life and of the world. I worship you today as the babe you were and the King you are. Amen