It’s been months since I’ve written on this site, and when I read back over where I was in March and April, I am ashamed of where I am this Christmas Eve of 2010. I lost the footing I had gained in the spring and have spiraled out of control since then. Instead of continuing on the path to let go of the world, and the things of it, I have run back to them as if they could fix all the problems of my life, totally ignoring the One who says “Come to me al ye who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I’ve preferred to carry my cross all by myself and to be a martyr, have a pity party, and allow contention and strife to rule me for the past six months. I did the very thing that I counsel others not to do, I RAN FROM GOD! He made me mad and rather than telling Him that and getting beyond it, I have run from Him and His comfort like it was the plague.

What caused this change of direction for me, you may ask? Well, on May 28, 2010, God took my mom home to be with Him. Should have been a wonderful thing, right? An amazing woman of God, going home to meet her Maker, and be reunited with the one man on earth who she ever loved - sounds like a time for rejoicing. But, I couldn’t rejoice. I wanted to, and I tried to, but my anger at those who I felt caused her death consumed me and made me unable to feel anything except remorse, anger, and despair. Once again, I was trying to be in control and trying to assume that because I didn’t do something, my mom died. I was trying to play God yet again instead of allowing Him to be whom He is and should be in my life. I wanted to own what had happened to her and didn’t want to hear His voice of comfort telling me that she was where she needed to be and I was gong to be fine. I forgot the verse that tell us “My grace is sufficient for your, for power is perfected in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9b. While Paul’s affliction was the thorn in his side, mine is the need to control and contrive situations to work how I want them, not always how God intended them.

So, here I am on Christmas Eve facing a choice. I can hold on to this anger and continue to own this sorrow like no one else has ever felt it but me, or I can let go of it and begin anew to find God in the everyday moments of my life. I don’t have the energy to be mad anymore and I don’t have the desire to seek revenge. All I want is “… the peace that passes all understanding” and to have that, I have to let go. God IS in control and I am tired of trying to steer this life without Him.

Father, forgive me. I have tried to be God of my life for months now, and it just isn’t working. I give my life this day back to the babe who was born in the manger so many years ago but who still lives and reigns at Your right hand. Help me I pray to find you in the everyday, to seek you in the wonder of the world around me and to choose You above all else in my life. You are my God and my King. My Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace of my life and of the world. I worship you today as the babe you were and the King you are. Amen

Prioritizing Your Life - Day 5

I got another one of those calls from the nursing home the other day, but this one came at 5:15am on a Saturday morning. The question the nurse asked me took me by surprise and I was at once consumed with anger and frustration. Not a great way to start a Saturday, or any day for that matter, but unfortunately the way many of my days begin. Although I had plans with friends to run a race that morning and to go an outdoor festival later in the day, I found myself instead showering hurriedly and rushing to see what was up with mom. What I found was her in pain and sunburned because someone had been negligent the day before. Turned out the burns were second degree, and we spent most of the day in the ER pumping her full of fluids so that she wouldn't dehydrate and go into shock. I was a basket case, and all she wanted to know was when the plane was going to land. She was tired of flying and wanted to go home.

Why do I tell you this story? Because God is teaching me a valuable lesson through this experience. The lesson... I am not in control. He is. You'd think I would have learned this one by now, wouldn't you, but apparently I haven't. Because He keeps bringing it back again and again and I keep failing miserably.

The reason I fail is because I drop everything and go to her thinking that my presence will make a difference. As if I alone can make her better even though the Parkinson's and dementia continue to take her further and further from me. Maybe if I give up everything else and martyr myself to her, then I can change the outcome of this drama we are living.

God sees if differently. And He intends to keep replaying this scene as many times as it takes for me to understand. He controls this, not me. He decides when and where and how the final chapter will be played and no amount of sacrifice I make will change that. David tells us in Psalm 51:16-17:

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

So far God hasn't gotten that from me. What He has gotten is frustration, indignation, pleading and begging. Not once have I come before Him broken asking Him to show me what He wants me to do in this situation. Not once have I admitted to Him that I am not in control. I have bargained, promised and cursed, but not given up control. And, He is making it more and more plain to me that until I do, we will continue to play out this chapter of the story until I get it right.

He has reminded me many times this week that He doesn't need me to rescue my mom or my husband or my children. What He does command me to do is to worship Him. To be the woman He created me to be and to let Him be the God that He desires to be in my life. I am reminded over and over that I am the one with the problem here, not Him.

So today's lesson in prioritizing your life is this:

5. Give God control of ALL areas of your life so that He can be glorified in all you do and all you are. He is God, you are not. Listen for His voice and hear Him. As David prays in Psalm 130:5-6:

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,